Breakdown
by SpeedReader9
Summary: Each sunrise and sunset was a simple reminder of another day without her.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I have nothing to do with, and own no part of, SoN or its characters.

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**_Breakdown_**

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They hadn't really been apart for that long. It was more that losing Ashley had left a hole in Spencer that couldn't be ignored. So every minute since the breakup was felt by Spencer. It made the short months seem like an eternity. Each sunrise and sunset was a simple reminder of another day without her.

They hadn't seen each other since that day. Since Ashley had graduated there was no chance of bumping into each other. They hadn't even spoken since then. There were many failed attempts by Spencer to pick up the phone, to take back all the horrible things she had said, to forgive for the horrible things Ashley had said, to beg to get back together. But there was a small piece of pride in her, something she had gotten from her mother, that always made her hang up the phone. The sound of a dial tone made Spencer hate herself. It made that hole grow. Now she wasn't even sure how to get in touch with the girl. She was off at college, with a new number, a new life.

She was at a party. One of the random ones that she began to show up at after the breakup. The parties where she would go and hide, knowing that Ashley wouldn't show her face. The parties had all begun to blend into one another, the faces all became one. None of them mattered. She never brought anyone, she never left with anyone, and she rarely even spoke to anyone in between. She was there simply because Ashley wouldn't be. Simply because most of the time it was too loud for her to drown in her own thoughts.

She should have realized eventually her luck would run out. The law of averages or something, they did live in the same town after all. Or perhaps Murphy's Law was what made it happen. But whatever the reason, Spencer was shocked when she turned from a random punch bowl at a random party to fall into those brown eyes that haunted her dreams.

She was standing so close that Spencer could feel the heat coming from her body. She was afraid that even the smallest movement could result in brushing against her, and then she would never want to stop again. She would remember the feelings she was dying to forget. She smelled the same as that last day they had shared together.

Her hair was pulled back except for a few stray curls that framed her face. She was dressed in jeans that rode low and a black tank top that rode high. She was perfect and for a few seconds Spencer traveled back in time, back before they both walked away, back to when this vision before her would sweep her off her feet in a greeting. Lips on lips.

"Hey," the brunette said.

Spencer was still mesmerized by those lips as she allowed herself to slip further down into her memories. There were flashes of flesh. Laughter. Kisses. Moans. Heaven. There were whispered words of promise, dances just for each other, clothing that never seemed to stay on for long. But what Spencer remembered most was love. She remembered feeling safe in her arms, missing her even when they were apart for a few hours, living just to see this girls smile. Eventually the memories slipped away into that hole that they had left and Spencer returned to present. She bit her lip and nodded in greeting. Praying that would be enough. Praying Ashley would just let her wallow in the misery they had created.

"How have you been?" Ashley asked instead.

The words rolled over Spencer and the voice that once comforted her with its deep tones now slammed into her already broken heart. In her mind Spencer had had this conversation many times. Sometimes she cursed, sometimes she cried, but it always ended with the same thing, "I'm still in love with you." But she couldn't do it with Ashley actually in front of her. Something else took over and Spencer felt foreign words leave her mouth.

"Just fine." It was a lie of course. And there had been a time when Ashley would have seen right through Spencer even if she had been tap dancing and singing those words.

Instead the brown eyes finally looked away. She just sighed sounding almost sad. But Spencer could no longer be sure anymore either. "That's good," she responded, slowly turning away and effectively taking the rest of Spencer's heart with her.

Everything seemed to slow down and Spencer's vision became focused, her mind coming to a jolting reality. This was it. This moment would determine whether or not Spencer would be a shell of a person for the rest of her life, living her life mechanically, existing because now that was the only thing she could do, allowing that hole that Ashley had left to swallow her up whole. She heard the echo of her words, lying to this person who had never left her mind, the girl who she still cried over every night. Her words stabbed at her, causing her to act.

She reached out her hand to touch the departing shoulder, her fingers longing to once again stroke the soft skin that should by all rights have been hers forever. But suddenly she stopped, her hand falling limply from the air only centimeters from its goal. It was already too late. Ashley walked away with Spencer's heart, her soul, her very life, leaving Spencer to choke on her own pride. Spencer fought off tears as the noises of the party all blended together into the taunting echo of a dial tone in her head.

Her stomach twisted as the brunette was finally swept away by the rest of the partiers. She really was gone. She swayed, almost falling into the table and clutching at her stomach. Excusing herself through the people standing around the drinks, she made her way to the bathroom. She barely had time to lock the door before falling to her knees and retching into the toilet. The emotional pain had become so intense it had become physical. She felt hot and cold at the same time. She felt broken as she allowed herself to slip into the loneliness that haunted her. It was a comfortable hell she had begun to welcome. She curled up into a ball on the floor, beginning to sob. She felt herself float away into her memories again.

This time she remembered the first time they had made love. She remembered how sweet and gentle Ashley had been. They had taught each other. Spencer had never been with another girl. Ashley had never been with someone who had loved her. She had never been with someone she had loved either. It was a new experience for them both. And afterwards, they had cried. They had cried because it had been so beautiful and fulfilling. Cried because it really had been perfect, even though perfect wasn't supposed to exist. They had cried and laughed and fell asleep wrapped up only in the feeling of each other. She remember the last words Ashley had spoken that night as she had brushed a sweaty strand of hair off Spencer's face, _"I will always love you. No matter what happens, no matter what I say, you are the best part of me. I will always be yours." _

Spencer jumped up from the floor so fast she nailed her head against the sink. She barely even registered the pain, nothing compared to the one in her heart. She fumbled with the bathroom lock, her mind already looking to find Ashley. Finally breaking free she ran back out amidst the laughing teens, but only focused on the one who really mattered. She checked in the area where she had watched her disappear but there was nothing.

Someone tried to stop her, asking if she was alright and Spencer vaguely realized she was still crying, the tears now dripping off her chin. She shook whoever it was off. She felt the darkness, the loneliness, that hole, creeping up behind her. She had to find Ashley.

She finally spotted her walking out the front door, head down. Spencer cried out her name, but it was simply drowned out by the loud noises Spencer had come here specifically for. She made a desperate beeline for the door but the crowds of people had somehow closed in on her. Someone nailed her hard enough to send her sprawling onto a couch. She began to curse, words she would have been surprised she knew at a less emotional time. People began to move, more or less because now she was sure she was coming off as deranged. But it really didn't matter.

She finally reached the door, yanking it open and screaming, "ASHLEY" only to watch her car drive away. Spencer actually took a few desperate steps forward to run after the car before her legs finally gave out on her. She fell to her knees for the second time that night. Her head slipped into her hands as she once again whispered a tearful goodbye to the only person she would ever love.

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	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with SoN.

Author's Note: Just a fair warning, it's going to get worse before it gets better. I don't want to depress anyone but it's about feeling loss. Slowly things will turn around, but like real life, it's not going to happen right away.

**_Thanks to:  
_Jimmiateearth - **_There are a few more chapters. But thank you for your kind words, I was afraid to post this since it's sad, but you made me feel welcome.  
_**Kori **- _You're going to make me blush. Thanks. I hope I can keep describing what Spencer feels in a way that draws you in.  
_**karmakaze - **_Thanks for the review. It's going to get worse before it gets better. But if you hold on, I promise you it ends on at least a promising note. I throw in a lot of sweet/sappy Spashley memories for at least one "aww" moment in the sadness.  
_**rock0rules** - _Thanks. I don't want to make anyone cry, but it is supposed to be sad. Sometimes people really do have to hit rock bottom to climb back up._

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**Part 2**

It's clichéd but true, the nights are the hardest.

During the day Spencer keeps herself busy. She goes to school, does all her work, got a job, and even joined a few clubs. She keeps up on what's expected of her, smiling when she's supposed to smile, chuckling when something is supposed to be funny, holding her head up because it's all she can do. The only thing that is noticeably different is that she doesn't make eye contact anymore. Because when she looks in the mirror she's terrified by the emptiness that looks back.

Of course it helps that she lives in L.A. In Ohio you're noticed, you are a person. In L.A. she is a number, just another blonde girl with a broken heart. Nothing special. It also helps that everyone who really knew her has moved on. They all graduated and began new chapters in their lives, leaving her behind. She really does miss all of them, but it's Ashley that she always seems to see turning corners. It's always Ashley's name she hopes to see when her phone rings, no matter how hard she fights to forget that very girl.

Spencer likes the days, even beyond the busy almost chaotic schedule she keeps herself on. She enjoys the light, the sun. It's a contrast to the darkness she feels inside, and it almost makes her feel alive. She often catches herself staring at that sun willing that light to fill her up again. When she finally has to look away, tears rolling down her face, she likes to pretend it's only because the light is just so damn bright. But at least for that time she was feeling something. She has stopped differentiating between good feeling and bad feeling. Feeling has become feeling.

Of course, even the most naïve of children realizes that with each day comes a night. Spencer used to equate the nighttime to Ashley. They both held promise. The night could bring a wild time or a calmness. Undeniably, so could Ashley. No one to judge them, no one to interrupt their exploration of each other. When they were together it was their time.

In L.A. you could rarely see the stars, it was always the lights of the city that peered back at them from the darkness. Ashley had once told Spencer that she had an agreement with God (surprising Spencer by the very mention) and that the lights of the city were always on to guarantee Ashley would always be able to see exactly what it was she had. As she said it she looked at Spencer with such love that Spencer decided she would start going to church again. Because clearly God did some things right.

Now Spencer equates the night with her pain. There's no one to keep her from her own thoughts unless she's at a party. And she has gone to far less parties since running into Ashley at one once. The lights of the city tease her, letting her know that somewhere Ashley is using those very lights to look at someone else. Spencer really doesn't care if that someone else is a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a friend, or a damn taxi driver. The point is that it is no longer her. And it never will be again. Now the night only brings darkness, and Spencer feels she has enough darkness in her now to last a lifetime.

At night she simply lies in bed, staring at the ceiling, and feels herself disappear into the darkness, becoming one with it. She always lights the room with candles, finding a strange solace in the fire. She likes to light a match and watch it burn until she can no longer hold it, doing it so often per night her room always begins to smell of sulfur. She watches the flames flicker, the areas they touch the only place she won't end up losing herself. She runs her hands through the flames feeling the heat. She likes to feel that split second of a burning sensation, because again feeling is feeling.

Closing her eyes causes her to fall into memories and ever since seeing the brunette again, sleeping always causes her to slip into erotic dreams. The dreams are always so intensely real she wakes up sticky, sweaty, and completely satisfied. Her sheets always end up on the floor and at some point Spencer's body would have unconsciously made room for Ashley during the night. Spencer's terrified the day will come that simply saying the name "Ashley" will cause her to reach some climax.

After the first dream Spencer had decided it was past time to move on, at least physically. And she really had tried. But every girl that ever touched her felt like a betrayal to Ashley due to the mere fact that it wasn't Ashley. The hands that's that ran across her skin weren't the callused yet incredibly soft hands of her guitar player. The voice that whispered in her ear never held that mixture of lust and love that used to cause Spencer to tremble in delight. The eyes that stared back at her could never be the soulful, brooding, dark eyes she had learned to read so well.

Once she even tried turning back to a guy for pleasure. The result was hilariously pathetic. She thinks she laughed for real for the first time in a long time, so she has him to thank for that at the very least.

She gave up on being satisfied by anything but dream Ashley. She gave up on love too. But that happened the minute they walked out of each other's lives.

And so the nights went. She would remember conversations

_"Do you believe in destiny?"  
"I don't know, Ash. You?"  
"I walked into a basketball practice to apologize to a girl. Me. Yeah. I believe in destiny."_

She would remember touches

_Ashley caressing her intimately, drinking in Spencer's moans with her mouth_

She would remember smells

_Ashley pulling Spencer into the shower with her. Spencer shampooing her hair sensually, praying the smell of lavender never leaves her hands._

She would then be too drained to even cry herself to sleep anymore. Until she falls asleep she always has a fear deep inside her that maybe this will be the one time the night never ends. It has become the only thing she's afraid of, an endless night. But eventually she always falls asleep, gradually fading into nothingness until the dreams start, as the candles burn on all night.

Spencer couldn't help but realize her love for Ashley, the one that used to warm her on the cold nights, the very love that had helped Spencer realize her true self, had become a ghost that now haunted those same nights.

She was pathetic, and she knew it. She was broken, and she knew it. She needed Ashley, if only Ashley knew it.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Still don't own 'em. Just borrow for my own imaginational purposes.

Author's Note: Well, I hope I didn't scare anyone off with the sadness. This is actually one of my favorite stories, sadness included. But I love writing the sweet flashbacks and whatnot. Oh well. Review aren't everything. Oh, and just so everyone knows, I might be changing the rating of this one if I take it the way I want to. Just fair warning.

**babygirl2006 **- _Thank you. I'm very honored you like all my stories. And I do plan on continuing this one. I hope I don't let anyone down with it, heh._

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**Part 3**

_"Did I disappoint you somehow? Was being with me not what you had expected? Did I let you down? I never wanted to let you down. Please, please just tell me so I can move on," Spencer cried._

_Ashley stared back, silent, unmoved._

_Spencer angrily swiped at her unrepentant tears, "You know you were my everything. My hopes, my fears, my heart all wrapped up into one celestial body. Why did I just give up on that? Why didn't we even try to fight?"_

_Ashley still didn't speak. In fact, she didn't move at all._

_Spencer sighed and breathed in a ragged breath of air, giving in. She took one last long look at the picture in her hands, Ashley staring off into space, unaware that the picture had been snapped. Finally Spencer pulled the picture to her, kissing it gently before putting it back in the box. _

It had become a ritual. Twice a week Spencer spoke to the picture pleading for answers, breaking down, confessing her undying love, or simply giving voice to the ever growing memories. It was undeniably painful looking at that picture. She knew there was no answers coming, she knew it changed absolutely nothing. But there was a comfort in that pain.

Tonight she had done it before heading out to a party. Aiden had pleaded with her to show up, they hadn't spoken in awhile and he claimed he missed his friend. Spencer would only go if he gave his word Ashley wouldn't be there.

Showing up at the party and seeing her old friend in front of her was harder then she had expected. Aiden would always be connected to Ashley in Spencer's mind, almost the male form of the girl. Spencer had given up almost everything that could be tied back to her only love, and that included most people. She only held on to one picture and one love letter Ashley had written full of lyrics to song just for her.

Aiden smiled at her and Spencer could almost hear Ashley whispering in her ear _"Look at that body, look at that smile, it just screams repressed homosexuality."_

She gave a desperate laugh, her hand flying to her mouth to try and stop the hysterics that seemed to seep from her every pore. She allowed Aiden to envelope her into a hug, her head against his chest, hoping he wouldn't see her fighting off the tears. She hugged him back desperately, never wanting to let go because she knew when she pulled away Ashley wouldn't be there over his shoulder making goofy faces. Ashley wouldn't be there waiting to wrap Spencer up in her own hug, whispering words of love the whole time. When he did finally let go she kept her eyes closed for just a bit longer, breathing ragged, heart pounding heavily.

They walked around the party together, catching each other up on life, Aiden bragging about the number of women he had managed to already bag at school, Spencer deftly avoiding any mention of relationships after Ashley. Spencer found it odd that she didn't really have the ability to focus on the conversation. She began to chant Ashley's name in her head during Aiden's stories. She loved the feeling of her heart constricting every time she repeated it. It was bruise she couldn't help but poke. A scab she couldn't help but pick at.

Feeling disgusted with herself she tried to focus back on Aiden, but he spoke of sex and girls, a concept Spencer angrily knew he really understood little of. Sure, he had had sex. But he'd never reached the pinnacle of sex with a woman. He spoke of his prowess, not of becoming one with a person, transcending the bed, leaving the world around you, touch becoming an actual religious experience. Spencer felt herself die every time Ashley brought her to the edge, and she would then be reborn once again in Ashley's arms. Ashley's lips murmuring her name breathing the very life back into her.

She remembers a big fight they had. They didn't talk for almost a week before Aiden set up an "accidental" meeting at the club.

"_I ended up being more angry with myself than you, but for some reason it was easier to lash out at you, ya know?" Ashley says. They're standing by Aiden's car, but the boy has already gone in to give them some time alone._

_Spencer nods, she does understand that. "I don't like us not talking. My life without you is hollow. I feel empty, like all that made living important is gone."_

_Ashley holds her close and Spencer can hear the pounding of her heart. "Sometimes I'm scared by how much I love you, Spence. It makes me do crazy things, like push you away. But God I do love you, always and forever."_

"_Forever is an awfully long time," Spencer informs her girlfriend._

_Ashley just grins, "It better be."_

_Spencer kisses her again, pushing her back into the door of the car. She feels Ashley's hands under her shirt, stroking her back and feels that familiar pull in her body._

"_I want you now," she whispers and opens Aiden's car door._

_Ashley is still just grinning. Spencer pulls her into the car and loses herself slowly to the sensation of Ashley's lips as Ashley's body covers hers._

It was the first time they had sex in anything other than a bed. It certainly wasn't the last.

"We had sex in the back of your car when it was new," Spencer informed Aiden.

"Who?"

Spencer flinched and dropped her head when she realized she spoke aloud. She knew Aiden was looking down at her with pity now and she hated it. She hated the conversation she knew was coming next. It was always the same old song and dance. All she ever got out of these conversations was that no one had ever loved like she and Ashley loved, because no one seemed to understand what it is she really had lost.

"You need to move on Spencer, it's time. It's been time. I moved on from Ashley, I know it's hard, but it can be done."

Spencer looked up Aiden at last. "You didn't love her. I did. I do. She was the one Aiden. She really was the _one._"

Getting up Spencer walked away, needing a chance to breathe again without his smell clogging up her senses. She knew he was only trying to help, everyone who caught her in a weak moment was just trying to help. The problem was she was slowly losing her well practiced calm. Her memories of Ashley came more often and always left her in more pain than before. Her friends and family had every right to be worried. She was worried for herself. But the pain of Ashley was all of Ashley that remained for Spencer.

She felt Aiden's hand on her shoulder. "Phantom pains," she murmured.

Aiden raised his eyebrow in silent question.

"When a piece of you, a body part, is cut off for whatever reason, you might have phantom pains. It's pain where that part was supposed to be, but isn't anymore, so logically you shouldn't be having the pain, you just do. Ashley was more than just my girlfriend Aiden. She was a part of me, as much a part of me as my arms, my legs. She's gone, but my body doesn't get that. My body yearns for her, needs her, wants only her. But my head, my head knows she's gone. It leads to pain. That pain leads to an emptiness, a blackness, that takes me over. In my head I know that's scary, I know. But as soon as someone finds a way to break it to my body, as soon as someone finds a way to return my heart, then we can talk again."

"You talk about her like she died. But she's alive and well, and you two could probably be friends again."

Spencer looked up at the boy, shocked by his inability to see the truth. "We never were friends. In some way we were always intimate, we were always all the other ever needed. The way we fit together we were made to be lovers. Ashley Davies is not dead, you're right. But my Ashley, Spencer Carlin's Ashley is. So let me mourn that Aiden. Let me mourn that in peace."

Finished with her speech, and in the back of her mind Spencer noted it was more than she has said in a very long time, she walked away from Aiden. She was ready for more hollowness. She felt drained by speaking, by people, by being forced to feel things. She controlled her pain, no one else. She now embraced her comfortable hell as much as it embraced her. Spencer found herself in a quiet part of the house and made herself comfortable in the corner.

Reaching into her pocket she pulled out a small tab of paper and stared at it for a long time. A moment of peace came in a pretty small package these days. Giving up and giving in Spencer slipped the tab onto her tongue and closed her eyes, waiting for the ride to begin.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: (le sigh) Got nothing.

Author's Note: Thank you all you wonderful and beautiful people who left reviews. Thank you for being open to my dark angsty side. Please, leave more, heee!

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**Part 4**

Clay said it was an accident pure and simple. Aiden said there may have been drugs involved. They both refused to talk about the events leading up to it.

They were both too nice to actually blame her, but she knew it was her fault. Ashley most definitely blamed herself.

And so Ashley found herself outside of Spencer's hospital room, terrified to actually enter. The nurse had told her repeatedly that Spencer was drugged to the point of unconsciousness. So really, Ashley theorized, now would be the optimal time to just go in. There would be no messy confrontations, no need to talk of the past. Ashley could just make sure that Spencer was still alive for herself. It was perfect.

But her heart disagreed. Ashley's heart argued that Ashley deserved to be yelled at, that in reality she wanted to be yelled at. In Ashley's world blame showed that at least someone cared enough to notice. It was indifference that was the enemy. A sleeping Spencer could neither blame or ignore Ashley, so she wouldn't know where she stood in the blonde's eyes. It would leave Ashley alone to hate herself all on her own.

It wasn't a new feeling though. The only time in her life that Ashley hadn't hated herself was her time spent with Spencer. To say it had been a fairytale would actually be belittling it in Ashley's mind. It had been far more beautiful than that. And besides, fairytales are supposed to have happy endings.

With a determined sigh Ashley finally pushed into the room and found herself immediately regretting it. The room was poorly lit and shadows seemed to be reaching from dark corners to the only light available which was illuminating from a small lamp near the bed. In that bed lay Spencer, looking as small as Ashley had ever seen her. And completely alone.

Ashley gasped out loud as she was struck by an image of the world without Spencer. It was a dark, cold, merciless place and in that split second Ashley wanted to die herself rather than have to experience that emptiness again.

But of course Spencer wasn't gone. She was definitely looking worse for the wear but she would live. Yet, despite the reassertions to herself, Ashley couldn't move away from the wall by the door. Her palms were pressed against its cold surface as if it were some sort of life raft. Moving closer to the bed might break the spell that was beginning to form. If she closed her eyes and just listened to the raspy sound of Spencer's breathing she could pretend none of this actually happened. They would still be together. Still wrapped up in only each other.

_The two of them are sprawled on the floor of Ashley's bedroom, too lazy and hot to move. The heat is ridiculous and they are in only their bras and underwear. Spencer has spent the last five minutes kissing Ashley's stomach softly. Some kisses are so soft Ashley can only tell it happened because of Spencer's breath. Some kisses are given with a loud smack. Sometimes they're accompanied with a giggle and a wandering hand. But they keep coming._

_Lying here together isn't about sex, even with the kisses. It's about comfort, love, simply being together. Ashley can't imagine a better day._

"_How do I love thee? Let me count the ways," Ashley feels compelled to quote, her hand stroking Spencer's golden hair. _

_Spencer giggles into Ashley's stomach and in between kisses asks, "So, we're quoting poetry to each other now are we?"_

_Ashley sighs. "No, I can sing to you my love, but beyond that and probably a few random lines from other poems by poets I don't know, I'm lacking in the poetry department." _

_Ashley then has a moment of self hatred which had been coming less often because of Spencer's love but still found inopportune times to make an appearance, "I'm lacking in a lot of ways. I don't know why you would love me."_

_Spencer finally stops her kisses and moves up Ashley's body to take her head in her hands. She gives a brilliant smile and Ashley swears she's blinded by it for a second. "If questioning would make us wise no eyes would ever gaze in eyes," she begins staring deeply into Ashley's eyes. Ashley stares right back, drinking in the blue as if it were her life essence._

_Spencer continues, "If all our tale were told in speech no mouths would wander each to each," this line she concludes with a soft kiss to Ashley's lips. Her lips are like velvet and Ashley is immediately hungry for more, but Spencer clearly isn't done._

"_Were spirits free from mortal mesh and love not bound in hearts of flesh," her hand pauses a moment to feel Ashley's heartbeat, "No aching breast would yearn to meet and find their ecstasy complete." With that she gives a very wet lick to Ashley's covered breast. At Ashley's gasp she takes the nipple into her mouth and nips at it through the cloth. _

"_I don't think that's what they meant babe," Ashley manages to gasp out._

"_For who is there that lives and knows the secret power by which he grows? Were knowledge all, what were our need to thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?" During this bit Spencer had begun to rub her hand in between Ashley's legs, the friction slowly building as the line went on. _

_Unfortunately it stops as soon as it began and Spencer moves back up to Ashley's face, gazing longingly into her eyes. She tilts her head slightly and gives the sweetest grin. "Then seek not, sweet, the "If" and "Why" I love you now until I die. For I must love because I live and life in me is what you give." _

_Ashley pulls her down into a deep kiss enveloping the younger girl with her body because there are no words needed. There can be nothing to say to that. She hopes she can express through her actions that she feels the same way. Ashley has never been that good with words._

"_Christopher Brennan, 'Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her'" Spencer says when they finally break away. She kisses the top of Ashley's nose for good measure._

"_We should do this poetry thing more often," Ashley responds while slipping off Spencer's bra._

There was a low moan coming from the hospital bed and it broke Ashley from her spell. For a moment her brain told her that this was the end, because of her foolishness Spencer was about to die. Ashley gagged and felt a burning sensation in her throat, feeling as if her own life were suddenly draining away. But then the girl in the bed simply rolled over, now facing her visitor, but still asleep. Ashley's name slipped from her lips so quietly that Ashley is shocked she heard it over her thundering heart.

She jumped at the voice, so hoarse and yet it still had the same effect on her body. Ashley felt the familiar tingle and her body jolted forward. Her hand came to her mouth as tears suddenly spill down her cheeks with unrelenting force. The wall that had been her anchor became a repelling magnet, shoving her away almost violently.

She approached the bed with jerky movement, her body rebelling against every action she had ever made that might have pushed this beauty away. She stood staring down at the girl reaching out to touch her before jerking back as if she had been on fire. Ashley realized she was feeling lightheaded because she was forgetting to breathe so she sucked in a noisy breath. The next breath came in through her nose and Ashley let out a sob when Spencer's familiar smell took control of her nostrils.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, tears continuing to fall. Ashley can't stand the quiet and so she looks away, taking a deep breath. But she can't look away for long, the memories are too strong.

Ashley knows she how she left Spencer. Ashley had always been able to compartmentalize her feelings. She knew how to push the pain and loneliness to the side and she was an expert at keeping her mind on other things. She had to be to survive her years with her mother. When they broke up she had the ability to cope. Of course she hurt on a daily basis and was unable to move on, a person can't move on from losing their soul mate, but she was able to keep going, she had learned how to as a very young child.

But she had left Spencer without those devices. Spencer had grown up with the Brady's and minus the crap her mom put her through when the two of them first got together, Spencer had never been dropped by someone she had loved. Ashley had broken her, and now she knew it.

The guilt began to eat Ashley alive. The feelings for Spencer that she had shut away burst out of the dam keeping them in check. And Ashley broke with it.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she began to chant. The tears obscured her vision and she buried her head into the sleeping girl's shoulder. She began to sob but still tried to keep speaking her apology.

When a hand brushed against her head Ashley jumped up and met a pair of confused, cloudy blue eyes.

"For I must love because I live and life in me is what you give," Ashley said, then added, "I'm sorry. I just needed you to know I'm so sorry," and with those words Ashley ran from the room.

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	5. Chapter 5

I don't own anything to do with SoN. Nope. Nothing.

Note: Yeah, I took my time with an update. I know. This chapter is a bit different from the others, the healing slowly begins. I hope people still like it. Rock on. Thanks for the wonderful reviews, as always.

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**Part 5**

_She dreams she's five years old and running through the snow after her father. He stops to wait for her, smiling as she bounds through the snow drifts high enough to lose herself in if she fell. But Spencer's not worried, her father is watching her. Just as she gets to him, he reaches down and pulls her up onto his back. She giggles and holds on as together they continue their journey._

"_I love you, daddy," she whispers into his ear._

_She feels his body shake with laughter and as always Spencer's pleased by his mirth, especially since she was the one that caused it._

"_What does it feel like, baby? When you say love what does it make you think of?"_

_Spencer's surprised by his question. She tightens her arms around his neck, careful not to go too tight, she was, after all, old enough to know not to choke him. She doesn't understand why the question is important. You're supposed to love your parents right? And she knows she does. It should be as simple as that._

_But somewhere deep down Spencer realizes this is a dream._

_She leans her small head against the back of her father's and smells his hair, smells his musky cologne and answers the best way her innocent mind can. "Safe. And warm. And full."_

_Spencer's father puts her down and she sees his eyes sparkling with delight. She can't help but grin back. She will always love her father's smile. She will always love being the one to put it there._

"_Safe, I understand. Warm, I get too, but full?" he asks with a chuckle._

"_Yeah, yeah," Spencer protests, really getting into her answer. "Full, like, like when you eat a big meal, but not here," she says putting her hand on her stomach, "here!" she finishes, putting her hand around where she assumes her heart is. But now she wants to explain further. "And warm like the hot chocolate that mommy makes, when she makes it just for me and it doesn't burn but slips out of my stomach and fills my whole body."_

_Spencer's sure she's not making any sense, but her father nods as if he understands it all. _

"_And safe like?" he asks fixing the hat on her head._

_Spencer looks up at him, again thinking how silly her father is, how he must know the answer to this one. "Safe like you." _

"_So I make you feel all that huh? Then I must be the most special daddy in the world. Anything else make you feel like that?"_

_Spencer feels her face scrunch up in concentration. What else did make her feel that way? Spencer just focused on what made her really happy. "My bed. My bike. Snow. The puppy next door," she begins to list, and then her unconscious mind slips one word in, "Ashley." _

"_You know I love you right?" he asks, as if he hadn't heard the whispered name._

_Spencer just giggles again, silly daddy. "Of course."_

"_And when someone really and truly loves you, in the most important way they will never leave your heart, you know that right?"_

_Spencer gives a serious nod. "When someone loves you they'll be there for you, right daddy?" _

_Her father's grin lets her know she got it right. She giggles and falls into the snow to try for a snow angel. She closes her eyes and just rests for a moment. Letting herself fall into the feeling of love. She feels pressure against her shoulder and she knows it's someone she loves coming to help her back up._

_She opens her eyes._

"Ashley?"

- - - - - - - -

Spencer was confused. She felt as if she had been walking through a fog and somehow it had all slipped into her head. Her body hurt and she was exhausted. But that wasn't the part that had confused her, she remembered she was in the hospital. The confusion was entirely the fault of a brunette with sensual lips and deep, passionate eyes, staring into her own when she woke. The confusion was a result of the tears in those eyes, the words leaving those lips. She was confused that by the time she was able to understand what had been said, the girl was gone.

Spencer almost began to believe the whole thing was a crazy drug induced dream. But she couldn't stop her hand from traveling to her shoulder and feeling the tears on her shirt that were already beginning to dry. It had been real. She had been real. Her head pounded right along with her heart and Spencer was no longer sure which one was more painful.

Her hand involuntarily clung to her shirt holding onto the smallest part of Ashley that she'd possessed in a long time. She began to feel herself drifting off yet again, but she didn't want to lose the image of Ashley apologizing, she didn't want to lose the memory. She didn't want to wake up again and have the tears on her shoulder be gone, making her believe it had only been a dream after all.

She had been there. Ashley had been there. What did that mean? Spencer's foggy mind couldn't form coherent thoughts. She could only seem to focus on Ashley saying she would always love her, playing over and over again like a broken record.

Suddenly the door began to open and Spencer unconsciously took in her own image, inwardly cringing at how horrible she looked, and prepared herself for the return of those eyes, those lips. But instead her father walked in and the heartbreak was so much, the loss so complete that Spencer burst into tears.

"I'm sorry," she whimpered through her sobs, noting the irony of the situation.

Her father just enveloped her in his arms in a way he hadn't in years and held her. "Oh, Spence," he sighed causing a new batch of tears to spill down Spencer's cheeks.

It was an angry, vicious cycle. Spencer hurt and didn't know how to handle that. Now she was hurting the few people she still had in her life. And that caused her to hurt even more.

"She really was here wasn't she," it wasn't actually a question and therefore her father didn't answer it. "My heart actually hurts. And I don't know how to make it stop," she finally opened up.

There was a long pause and Spencer began to wonder if perhaps she had said to much. But then her father pulled away from the embrace and looked her in the eyes, his own sparkling with unshed tears.

"You're a rare breed, hunny," he began, slipping a stray hair behind Spencer's ear. "You actually let yourself feel. Pain. Love. Happiness. Anger. You let yourself feel it all. And when those feelings are positive you experience greater love and joy than most people in this world can ever hope to know. But, as with everything in life, there's the other side of things. And when you experience the sadness and the heartbreak it will also take you to a dark place. But always remember that you're more than that. You're more than one person, one love. And always, always hold on to what you know about true love, Spencer. What you've always known."

"And what do I know?"

"You have to decide whether you'll let it go, or whether you'll fight for it. But never lose yourself in the process. And if you begin to feel lost, go outside and stand in the sun to feel the warmth, drink some hot chocolate and let it flow through you body, and remember that your father always loves you. Love, true love, doesn't just disappear."

With a kiss to her forehead her father started to walk out of the room.

"What are you saying?" Spencer called after him. The wall between her dreams and reality had been cracking enough as it was today.

Her father stopped at the door and turned to look at her. "Yes, Spencer. She really was here."

With those words, Spencer was once again left alone with her thoughts. With her hand on her shoulder yet again Spencer began to think rationally for the first time since the breakup. With her father's words ringing in her ears and Ashley's smell lingering on her clothing Spencer realized what she had to do to begin to heal.

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	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own SoN or anything relating to it. Or whatever.

Author's Note: This has been hard to keep writing because I haven't been sure where I wanted to take it. So, I'm a little unsure about this chapter, PLEASE, let me know if you like it and I will continue with this direction. Thanks a bunch all you lovely reviewers.

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**Part 6**

Ashley sat alone in her room of her mother's house hugging a bottle of rum to her chest. It had yet to be opened but it was only a matter of time. For the past 24 hours, ever since she foolishly went to visit Spencer, she had kept herself confined to her room only leaving when absolutely necessary. She kept the lights low and wallowed in her self made misery.

She hated being back in this house but she had nowhere else to go. This place was full of memories. There were memories of anger at her parents, of tantrums thrown, of doors slammed, of loud voices. There were memories of mistakes, of the guys that would frequent her bed and then the girls that eventually took their places. There were memories of love, memories of Spencer that now left a sour taste in her mouth. This place was now haunted.

"Oh Spencer," Ashley moaned finally opening the bottle of rum. She took one long swallow and grimaced as it burned going down.

How easy it was to pretend she was a whole person when she didn't have the constant reminder of those blue eyes burning into her brain. But just seeing Spencer again was a painful reminder of everything that she had lost. Ashley could remember the day of the breakup as if it were yesterday. The smell of Spencer's hair, the color of her eyes, the sight of her tears, these memories had come back full force. The day she really had lost Spencer Carlin.

"_Fuck Ashley! Why are you doing this again? I know you're going to college but we'll be okay."_

"_It's not about that, Spence. I love you. I really do, but come on! Let's not fool ourselves here. I've never been the long-term relationship type and now with this distance…you deserve so much better than me. And this is your chance," saying this Ashley looks over at a picture of her mother and father, one of those rare times when they had managed to be in the same room together. It's a reminder of the type of relationship she will end up in. And Spencer deserved better than that._

_Spencer notices the look and grabs the framed picture throwing it across the room with surprising anger._

"_No! That is not who you are Ashley! I thought we were past this, you are not your parents," she grabs Ashley's face and pulls her into a hard kiss. "This, this is who you are!" she says emphasizing her words with another hard kiss._

_Even then Ashley realizes something bad is coming. They'd fought before but this was different. The emotion was different. They were both coming into this fight with unresolved issues and there was no way it could end well. They both seem to be fighting not only with each other but with themselves, trying to hold back the words that couldn't stop flowing. _

_Ashley feels like she's broken. Her mouth opens and the unbidden words just keep falling out, "You can't tell me you've never thought about having time to be with someone else. I'm the only girl you've ever been with. You should explore the market. And so should I. I need something new. Someone new." Even as she says it she knows it's not really what she wants. But there's no turning back anymore._

_The look Spencer gives her makes her feel smaller than she ever has in her life. "This is the first time, I've ever seen the truth in what your mother says about you. You are selfish," Ashley hears the venom behind the younger girl's tones, the hurt dripping from the words, words meant to scar. And scar they did._

The fight only got worse after that and eventually Ashley just left. By the time she returned Spencer was gone and that night Ashley packed up her things and left again without looking back. She was her mother's child. Or perhaps leaving was what made her more like her father. Not that it mattered in the end.

"Stupid stupid stupid," she mumbled taking another swig from her bottle. There was one thing Ashley knew she was good at, and that was losing the people she loved.

Full of self loathing Ashley reached for her memento box. When they first started going out, Spencer had shown her a box she had full of pictures and things that reminded her of the older girl. Secretly Ashley had begun keeping her own box, her Spencer box. Inside there were pictures of the two girls and candid shots of the blonde, music that represented all different periods of their time together, and even a stack of love notes that had been exchanged in between classes at school.

She removed the stack of letters and couldn't stop the shaking of her hand as she delicately traced the first few words at the top page, "Ashley, keeper of my heart." Spencer could get so sappy sometimes and while Ashley had made fun of her for it, deep down she loved every word. She loved that someone could see beneath her hardened shell and say the words she had desperately always wanted to hear. The letters would range from sappy, to sexy, to downright stupid. She never had the heart to throw them away. They were a part of Spencer and to get rid of them so easily would have been equal to saying those years had meant nothing.

The bitter taste of blood in her mouth made Ashley realize she had been biting her lip to keep from crying out at the emotions flooding through her system. She was happy pretending none of this meant anything to her anymore. But realizing the pain Spencer was still in, now she had to pay penance. She had to pay for leaving and breaking every promise she had ever made to Spence.

"Forgive me Spencer, for I have sinned."

Ashley pulled out a CD from the box and put it in her player, a bittersweet grin crossing her face at the strumming that sprang from the speakers. She can remember the first time Spencer found out her deep dark secret, that she liked some country music.

"_It's all about emotion, Spence. These people just get it. There's no greater heartbreak than a good blue grass song."_

"_Heartbreak? Like what? My dog died and my wife left me for a tractor? You're right, I can see it."_

"_Spencer Carlin! I never pegged you as one so prejudicial towards music. You are from Ohio after all."_

"_Yeah, that's Ohio, Ashley. Not West Virginia. Okay, show me what it is you like. I am all ears…"_

Ashley couldn't be sure if Spencer ever did get it, but right before their big fight the blonde had bought her an album, _Lonely Runs Both Ways_, by Alison Krauss. Spencer had said it was a reminder, that every time Ashley listened to it at college she would know Spencer was thinking of her. After the fight Ashley didn't want any such reminder. In fact, she had never listened to it until now.

As the music filled her room, she sat back on the bed and with another long sip from the bottle, let the booze fill her body. She began to feel warm again as the alcohol filled the emptiness. Her mind began to wander into dangerous territories of loss and hatred.

A sudden crack of thunder made her jump, pulling her thoughts from the endless abyss. Rain started to pour through her open window and begrudgingly she went to close it. That was when she noticed the figure outside, staring up at her room. It was a figure forever burned into her memories and for a moment Ashley honestly believed she was hallucinating, her mind letting her see exactly what she hoped to see. But she ran outside anyway.

Stepping out into the rain her body was instantly chilled again. She ran up to her visitor and was met by silence, only angry blue eyes flashing up at her. Ashley's heart was beating painfully with concern and confusion. She grabbed Spencer by the shoulders and shook her gently.

"Spence! What are you doing here? It's pouring! You shouldn't be out of the hospital. This can't be helping you get any better," Ashley was rambling but she couldn't stop herself. The confusion was controlling her mouth as usual. "Spencer, what the hell? Say something! You're really freaking me out!"

Ashley didn't even realize the smack was coming until her face began to sting. She barely even had time to register it at all before Spencer's lips were on her own. The kiss was desperate and hard teeth clashing against teeth. The bite on her lip stung at the sudden pressure. Spencer hands grasped at the back of Ashley's head pulling her in even deeper and closing off any chance of escape. Not that the thought had even flashed through Ashley's mind.

Spencer's mouth tasted like strawberries and a mix of want and need much like their very first kiss. But unlike their first one which was full of hope and created sparks, this kiss created a full blown fire. This kiss was an inferno that was opening beneath Ashley and threatening to swallow her whole. Just when the world was beginning to spin around, making everything right again, Spencer pulled away and began to walk towards the open door.

"I'm getting mixed signals here," she breathed to the retreating back.

Spencer stopped and gave Ashley an unreadable look over her shoulder. "Welcome to the state you put me in. Both of those things I've wanted to do to you for a long time. Now I'm going to find some dry clothes. Then we talk. Then we find closure," the blonde finished as she entered the house.

Ashley pinched herself hard still uncertain as to the validity of situation she found herself. She looked up into the falling the rain and closed her eyes. Her body felt rejuvenated in a way that only Spencer's lips had ever done. Her own lips were still vibrating at the memory of only a few seconds ago. Wrapping her arms around her body Ashley allowed herself to feel hope for the first time in a long time.

_Now we find closure, _she repeated to herself.


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Note: A quick update (in relation to the last few anyway) because of all the wonderful reviews. I hope you like it. Picks up right where the last chapter left off.

Disclaimer: Don't own nada.

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**Part 7**

By the time Ashley returned to her room Spencer had already helped herself to some dry clothes and stood staring at Ashley's box of mementos, seemingly transfixed by the sight. Ashley stood in the doorway a moment and felt her heart stop at the view in front of her. If this was a dream, she hoped she would never wake up.

She saw Spencer's body tense as she sensed her presence, but the younger girl still didn't look up from the box. It was as if she was caught in the web of memories Ashley herself has been woven only minutes earlier. No words were exchanged, no looks were even exchanged, but the air was palpable with necessary communication. It wasn't until Ashley stepped out of her closet, in dry clothes as well, that Spencer chose to speak again.

"Why did you come to visit me at the hospital?" she asked, still staring at the contents of the box.

Ashley cleared her throat, surprised by the question. "Because I needed to know you were okay."

Spencer nodded and seemed satisfied by the answer. But then she looked up and caught Ashley's eyes with her own. Those blue eyes were sharp and they pierced deep into Ashley's soul pulling out secrets and searching for deeper truths.

"I'm not, you know. Okay, that is," she said quietly.

"I know," Ashley whispered back suddenly wishing she were anywhere but here. She didn't want to do this anymore. A word from science class years ago suddenly popped into her head, entropy. That's all this could ever be. Order dissolving into disorder, inevitable deterioration. She wanted to tell Spencer to shut up. That maybe, just maybe, if they didn't speak and just were still then they could pretend everything was okay.

"I haven't been okay for a long time…not since…" Spencer continued, breaking into her thoughts.

"I know," Ashley repeated. She folded her arms across her chest to protect her heart from the sure to follow barrage of blame. Instead Spencer finally looked away and sat on the bed as far away from the box as she could.

"It's lonely in school without everyone. I even miss Madison. There's no one else worthy enough to detest. No one to keep me on my toes."

The sudden shift in topics caught Ashley off guard. Her arms dropped rapidly to her sides and she faltered with what she should say next. Her mouth fired off the first thing her brain came up with. "Have you been seeing anyone?" She bit her tongue a moment too late, the question out there. She mentally begged Spencer not to answer.

Spencer looked at her again and Ashley could have sworn she actually saw some mirth behind those eyes. "Seeing, no. Sleeping with, yes," she replied simply.

Ashley knew she didn't react to the words outwardly, she could be stoic if she wanted to be, but inside, if a heart could cry tears she was sure that would be the only explanation. She knew she had no right to feel betrayed since they were no longer together, and especially since she hadn't remained celibate since the break up either. But to have the words out there brought everything crashing back down to reality, someone else had touched Spencer. Someone else had heard the soft purring noises she made in response to the right touch. Someone else had seen the look of pure innocence that would flash across her face as she reached orgasm. These were moments that were supposed to be Ashley's alone.

Ashley pushed her palms against her eyelids and took a deep, shaky breath. She reflected on the irony of the situation. It was no secret from anyone that Spencer had never gotten over the break up where as Ashley had left and began again, free and clear in everyone's mind but her own. Yet here stood Spencer, demanding to clear the air, demanding closure, and Ashley was the one who was falling apart at the seams. What had happened to the girl she loved?

"Do you…umm…do you ever regret…" she began.

"Stop," Spencer interrupted, "Stop. You don't get to ask me that. You don't get to ask me about regrets. I know I'm not blameless in any of this. I know I said some horrible things to you," Spencer's voice shook for the first time, cracking at the word horrible, "horrible things that should never be said to anyone. But you're the one who just left Ashley. We might have been able to work it out, I would have apologized. I cried into your pillow for hours, wanting to die for hurting you. But you never came back. And the next day you left for good. You never even said goodbye. Didn't I even warrant a goodbye?"

Ashley finally removed her hands and looked at the girl on her bed. She saw the pain and accusation in Spencer's face but she was shocked to also find want and desire. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat but her chest just began to hurt instead. Her mouth opened to respond but then she just closed again. Simply saying Spencer deserved more than all the stars in the sky just didn't seem enough. It seemed trivial even to her.

Spencer was the first to look away again and her body seemed to shrink into the bed. She leaned her head into her arms, her elbows resting on her legs that hung over the side of the bed. She stared at the floor and again Ashley prepared herself for something big. The blonde's body language suggested she wasn't looking forward to the next admission.

"I think about you all the time," Spencer began, yet again shocking Ashley. Clearly she had no idea how any of this was supposed to go. "You are a ghost that haunts me. You are a memory that won't ever go away. I dream of you, I see you everywhere. But it's never really you. And then suddenly it was. You told me you wanted a new life and you got it while simultaneously breaking my heart. Why then do you get to come back into mine whenever you damn well please? It's not fair, Ashley. It's just not fair. I couldn't have just waltzed into yours!"

Spencer stood suddenly and whirled around to glare at Ashley who remained rooted to her spot leaning against her dresser. "What right do you have to come barging back into my life? What right? Do you even know what it was like for me?" She walked over to Ashley standing so close that the slightest movement on Ashley's part would have caused their bodies to collide.

Her voice rose in volume as she continued, "You left me! I lost the love of my life, the love of a thousand lifetimes. But even worse than that I lost my best friend at the same time. I had no one to talk to about it. No one who could understand," Spencer's hands seemed to accentuate every word with gestures and Ashley found herself remembering how soft those hands could be on her body. It wasn't that she didn't want to listen to what Spencer was saying, it was that she already knew the words by heart. These were the same words she used to berate herself time and time again. Spencer couldn't make her feel any worse than she already did.

Deep down she also knew that, in the end, it didn't matter what she said. Spencer had come here to vent to the one person who could understand her pain. She might think she needed answers, but all she really needed was to finally say the words that had been building up insider her. She was forcing Ashley to be the best friend she once was. So instead of listening to the actual words she tuned into the emotion behind them. And then slowly she began to slip back into her memories of soft skin and gesturing hands.

_It's early in their friendship and while there's been no talk of anything more they're both aware of the longing gazes and lingering touches the other thinks she keeps well hidden. They're hanging out at a huge birthday bash Ashley's mother had thrown, not for Ashley of course but for the little boy of her latest boy toy. Her mother went all out for this, pony rides, a clown, a band, a magician, an ice cream mountain, a moon bounce, really everything Ashley could imagine. Ashley can't help but think it's ridiculous, but Spencer looks like a kid in a candy shop._

"_So, you're enjoying yourself then?" she teasingly asks the blonde._

"_Ashley, this is amazing! It's like a carnival in your yard. There's an ice cream mountain Ashley. Ice. Cream. Mountain. Is this what your parties were like as a kid?"_

"_No," Ashley says simply and she's angry at the sadness that manages to seep out with that one word._

_Spencer's smile falters for a moment as she quickly looks over at Ashley. She takes a moment and then nodes resolutely and grabs Ashley's hand in her own. "Well then it is now. I don't have to celebrate you bring born on the actual day right? Who made that rule? This is your day, Ash. Have a happy one," she leans in and gives Ashley a small, hesitant kiss on her cheek._

_The lips are soft and inviting, even in that split second. Ashley can't honestly say she hasn't thought about those lips before, but even in her wildest fantasies one simple kiss on the cheek has never made her feel so warm and happy. Spencer's hand still hold hers and she begins to pull her around looking at all the events and games, the ones that Spencer has deemed just for her. _

_Twenty minutes later they've at least looked at everything that's been set up before settling in to watch the magician who Ashley begrudgingly admits is pretty good. But she's more focused on Spencer who sits enraptured by the show before her. Ashley takes the time to really soak the girl in. Spencer has yet to let go of Ashley's hand but despite all the time in the heat her hand remains soft and dry. Ashley is amazed that she hasn't been electrocuted by the sparks that shoot through that touch. _

_Spencer suddenly laughs at something the magician has said and Ashley watches her face light up in happiness. It's an open and trusting look, one Ashley has never managed to master. The more Ashley watches this display of laughter the more she begins to fall for the younger girl. There's no lust behind this desire it's something Ashley has never experienced before. Ashley realizes that this is what people meant by being hit by a ton of bricks as she discovers she wants Spencer to always look this way, to always be so happy._

_An uncontrollable laugh builds in Ashley's chest as the happiness spreads. The laugh bubbles out ridiculously but Ashley can't bring herself to care. Spencer looks over and gives her the special grin. _

"_Let's go dance," she suggests pulling Ashley across the yard._

_Some faster song is beginning to play, an 80s song Ashley thinks. Spencer throws herself into the crowd and dances around her hair flying all over her face. Then she surprises Ashley by grabbing both her hands and pulling her in and beginning to sing._

"_I used to think maybe you loved me, now baby I'm sure…" Ashley's uncontrollable laughter just grows as Spencer sings and flails their hands around. Taking her hands back she breaks into a few dance moves that Ashley could only describe as Spencer originals. Ashley finally gives in and joins the craziness reaching her arm around Spencer's midsection…_

A sharp poke to her shoulder brought Ashley back to the present. The look on Spencer's face is a drastic change from the look in her memory and Ashley's heart breaks all over again realizing she had failed in her goal to keep Spencer happy forever. In her attempts to save Spencer pain in the future she'd caused pain in the present. It didn't make any sense, and Spencer was right, it wasn't fair.

Spencer's eyes remained boring into her own. The electricity between them literally crackled, the energy so intense. The more they didn't touch the more it built.

"Do you have anything to say?" Spencer asked. "Any words of explanation?"

Ashley bit her lip wishing there was something she could say, any words that could make up for her stupidity, her abandoning of the only thing in her pathetic life that mattered. But there was nothing. Nothing could make it better, maybe they could move past it, but nothing could make up for it. So she stopped trying to think of the right words, and just said the words that were in her heart.

"My life is split up into two time periods, Spencer and after Spencer. There's no before Spencer because everything that happened in my life before you were simply events leading me to you. I don't regret anything in that time before you. I do wish I could have had a better relationship with my parents, sometimes I wish that I hadn't made the choices I did, but I wouldn't go back and change them because they were the path to you."

Ashley's hand began to follow up Spencer's body without actually touching her. She felt the heat flowing from the girl's skin and drew some of it into herself as wet tears began to make their way down her face. "How did you become the strong one?" she asked, her voice suddenly scratchy.

Spencer just shook her head. "I'm not the strong one. You've always been the strong one. But I was going to die without an answer, Ashley. I was just slowly killing myself to make the pain stop. I just needed…"

"I know," Ashley interrupted, "but the only answer I have for you is that I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was saving you. I thought I knew it all. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt you and I'm sorry that I left you not being able to cope with the loss. I'm just so fucking sorry."

Spencer's eyes closed as she took in the words. With a nod she took a step back and turned away. Ashley immediately felt cold and lonely, the connection broken. Ashley became aware of the world outside of Spencer again, the rain still poured outside, the music still played softly. All of these things had been drowned out by Spencer's presence.

Spencer walked towards the bedroom door, mumbling something about getting Ashley's clothes back to her as Ashley desperately prayed for the strength to make her stop. Or the floor to just open up and swallow her whole. But it was Spencer who stopped, her hand on the door knob. There was a quiet sob as her body seemed to just lose strength and fall into the door. Her shoulders began to shake, the energy and strength she had brought with her to this confrontation gone at the last second.

Ashley was unsure what to do for a moment. They were both being swallowed up in their own pain. They both needed to be comforted. They both needed each other. Stepping forward she wrapped her arms around Spencer and pulled her into an embrace. Spencer's body continued to shake as she sobbed into Ashley's shoulder. Ashley listened to the music that filled the room and slowly began to sway along to the beat as both girls shared whatever strength they had left.

For a moment it didn't matter what happened when the song finished. This wasn't an ending, it wasn't a new beginning, it simply was the time out Ashley had wished for, time to heal. And for those three minutes and 48 seconds their bodies melted together, their souls overcame the physical, and it was how it was always supposed to have been, just the two of them in each other's arms. There was nothing else that mattered.

_I turned around  
Before I could run I found you already settled down in the back of my mind  
I know this is just a customary feelin'  
The moon is our deceiver that will leave you running blind _

Your heart is pullin'  
If I didn't know any better  
I'd be fallin'  
Deeper and deeper it's true  
I'd hear it callin'  
If I didn't know any better  
And I'd be in love with you

Didn't want to  
Look in the eyes of the one that I would be drawn to  
I'm a moth lost in a fire  
And I know this is just a beautiful illusion, a case of the confusion, between love and desire

Your heart is pullin'  
If I didn't know any better  
I'd be fallin'  
Deeper and deeper it's true  
I'd hear it callin'  
If I didn't know any better  
And I'd be in love

When the flame burns out  
And fine'ly settles down  
And you'd forget I ever came around

Your heart is pullin'  
If I didn't know any better  
I'd be fallin'  
Deeper and deeper it's true  
I'd hear it callin'  
If didn't know any better  
And I'd be in love with you

I turned around  
Before I could run I found you already settled down in the back of my mind

-Alison Krauss, "If I Didn't Know Any Better"

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	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I don't own. 'Tis true. I swear.

Author's Note: There is one more chapter after this. I might have to get mushy in that author's note.

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**Part 8**

Eventually the storm had passed and produced a relatively clear night for L.A. The lights, both natural and neon, created awkward shadows that stretched across the room reaching to remove all comfort and warmth. The only thing that seemed to be well lit was the girl lying on the bed whose slow breathing indicated a deep sleep. Spencer was envious.

She sat in the darkest corner of that room and watched the rise and fall of Ashley's chest, her heart aching to curl up next to her again. Instead she rubbed her cold arms remembering the feeling of Ashley holding her as she cried. They had continued to dance even after the music stopped reveling in each others warmth and the safety the moment provided. Neither could bring themselves to break the spell.

But a moment spent on borrowed time always comes to a quick and bitter end. Though neither had spoken since before the dance the air changed quickly. They'd lain on opposite sides of the bed staring into each other's eyes in silence until eventually Ashley's closed at last and she fell asleep.

Spencer had remained next to her watching and itching to reach out and touch the tanned cheek until finally, afraid of her own actions, she moved to the floor and as far away as she could. She was surprised to find she couldn't bring herself to just leave and go home, she wouldn't leave Ashley to wake up feeling abandoned. She knew that feeling and she wouldn't wish it on even her worst enemy, let alone Ashley. But all the same, she couldn't be in the same bed with her either. It was too easy to just forget their time apart. It was too easy to pretend none of it had actually happened. And that would be a lie.

It wouldn't be healthy to allow that, to ignore that passage of time. In reality, very little had changed since Spencer's confrontation. The stars still traveled their path in the sky. The moon still appeared for the night and as soon as it was time the sun would again rise. It was as if Spencer was trapped deep in a hole and though Ashley now stood there looking in, it didn't change where she was. Spencer felt stupid for thinking that somehow Ashley would be the one to throw the ladder down to save her. She had a journey she had to make all on her own.

Standing, Spencer stretched, reaching up towards the ceiling as if searching for whatever hand she could find to pull her out from the deep. She walked over to about a dozen cds that Ashley had left in her room, the rejects who apparently didn't make the crossover to the dorm room. Spencer remembered the first time she had seen the brunette's extensive collection as she ran her finger over those remaining, looking for something useful.

"_Wow. I think the question isn't what music do you have but rather what music don't you have," Spencer asks with a laugh. She looks over at her new friend who just laughs right along with her._

"_What can I say? My tastes span the spectrum. You have to have the right song for every mood."_

_Spencer thinks that through as her finger runs across all the titles. She's no musical slouch but finds she doesn't recognize half the names. _

"_How do you even have time to listen to all of them?" she questions._

"_Because I listen to music whenever possible, Spence. It's my way to communicate, with others, with myself, it doesn't matter. The right song can clear my mind when I'm confused. It can answer questions you haven't even been able to formulate yet. It makes me feel less alone because someone wrote what I was feeling down and recorded it. Someone else gets it. So, I listen to it all, because I'll never know when I'll need it." _

_Spencer grins at the impassioned speech. It's a new side of this girl and she's intrigued. She finds herself drawn to the beauty, wanting to know all she can about her life, her feelings, her likes and dislikes. She wants to see the passionate side of Ashley. _

_Ashley is watching her struggle with her feelings, so she begins to speak again. "Don't worry, someday you'll realize how important the notes can be. There's always the right song for whatever situation you find yourself."_

_Reaching blindly into the mix Spencer pulls out one of the cds. "Let's listen to this one now."_

"_Good choice," Ashley grins as she takes it from Spencer's hand. Her touch lingers for a moment, an occurrence that has been happening more frequently as of late. Spencer's unable to catch her breath the rest of the day as the song fills the room and Ashley leads her through the melody and rhythm until together they reach a new level of understanding within the music._

Eventually Spencer's finger stopped at a cd that will work. She placed it into the player after gently removing the album she had given Ashley. Her hands shook with the memories of the emotions behind the gift. She traced the perfect circle with her thumb before she broke it in half with a loud snap. Ashley could always buy a new one if she really wanted. The pieces went in the trash and a pair of nearby headphones went on her ears as she skipped right to the song she wanted.

_May it be an evening star shines down upon you_

Spencer's eyes closed with the first note. The voice lifted her up and she longed for another way to experience the music. She wished she could taste it, she wished she could feel it wrap around her like a warm blanket to shelter her from the cold. Despite its limitations the song worked the way she wanted. The confusion that rattled in her very core dispersed as the instruments relaxed her.

For the first time in a long time she felt a flicker of hope. Opening her eyes to look again at the body in the bed she felt a tear fall down her cheek, following a path down onto her lips where she caught the salty traitor with her tongue.

The song began again as Spencer began a mental repeat, rewriting the past in her mind. She knew now that the break up was inevitable. Too many forces were working against them at the time. But there were things she wished she could change. She was again standing at a punch bowl at a random party as Ashley approached her. This time when asked how she's doing she answered in truth, nothing holding her back because this time she knew the pain of the other path.

"I'm still in love with you," Spencer should have answered. She said it out loud in the bedroom, testing it in her mouth, letting it roll around and make itself comfortable on her tongue.

She stopped the music and stood to stretch again. She followed the path of a shadow to the bed. As gently as she could she laid back down on it, facing Ashley. Almost immediately the older girl's eyes opened and stared back into her own. Spencer really wasn't that surprised but she spoke anyway.

"You're awake."

"I woke up the minute you left my side," Ashley admitted rolling onto her back.

Spencer nodded in understanding. She laid her head on Ashley's shoulder and reached down to intertwine their hands holding on tightly. She listened to Ashley's strongheart beat speed upbecause of her touchbefore speaking again.

"Yes, so did I."


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I don't own anything having to do with SoN or it's companies or story lines or characters, etc.

Author's Note: _LAST CHAPTER!_ Yes, it has finally arrived. The last chapter of this fic. I hope you've enjoyed the ride as much as I have. Thank you all for your glorious reviews and comments. I love you all! And if you miss the angst, please feel free to read my oneshot story, **Gracefully Falling**. Yes, that is a shameless plug.

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**Final Part**

They remained still and quiet for awhile. Spencer took that time to simply listen to Ashley's heartbeat. To watch the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest. To feel the familiar soft skin clasped in her hand. It was yet another moment she never wanted to end. She wanted to be locked liked this together forever. In the silence. In the comfort. In the familiar.

But eventually Spencer recognized a shift in Ashley's breathing. She was about to speak and the moment would then be broken. Spencer was struck with a moment of panic. She was terrified of what Ashley would say. As afraid as she was of some sort of brush off, she was equally scared of the seemingly endless love Ashley seemed to be sending in her direction. It made her mind foggy. It made her emotions dance in her stomach.

"No! No, don't, please. Let's just pretend for a bit longer," she suddenly blurted out as Ashley's mouth opened.

Ashley looked back at her, her dark eyes sad and wet. "Oh, Spence…"

And with that, with just her name, Ashley made Spencer cry again. The sadness in her voice reached the deep spot in Spencer. The love that had laced the blonde's name mingled with Spencer's equal love in return. The unflinching honesty in her gaze and broken Spencer once again.

Ashley's arms tightened around Spencer as she cried into the brunette's shoulder, her body shaking with each ragged breath in. Once she was able to collect herself Spencer took the initiative again and began to speak.

"You were like Christmas."

Ashley looked back in silent question. Her hand continued to stroke Spencer's back almost unconsciously.

"When you're little you believe in Santa. You believe in this magic that's bigger than you are, more than you could ever have hoped could really exist. And then you get older. And one day you find out it's all a lie. There's no Santa. There's no magic. Suddenly Christmas doesn't mean what it did anymore. Sure you still have the giving and the kindness. And that's amazing. But it no longer keeps you up at night with breathless anticipation. You were my Christmas. Being with you, our love, was more than I had ever dreamed of love being. But then I got older and I found out it was all a lie. Yes, we loved each other. But just as easy as the magic of Santa was gone, so were you. There is no such thing as magic. Life is just people pulling the wool over your eyes and trying to pass it off as more than it actually is."

There was more bitterness in her speech then Spencer had intended. But once she had begun to explain the words just seemed to fall out of her mouth. Glancing back up at Ashley again she noticed the older girl was now the one with the wet cheeks. Resting her head back on the girl's shoulder Spencer tried to give her silent support.

"You're wrong, Spence," Ashley finally said, surprising the blonde. There was no bitterness behind the words, it was a simple and direct statement. She spoke it as the truth.

"You're wrong because Santa was never the magic behind Christmas. And you know me, I'm not referring to some theological event here either. There's still a magic because there is that kindness. There is that giving. And that's rare, isn't it? I mean hell, even my mom was nice to me on Christmas. And there's still a magic to us. Because there's still that love. I mean look at us now. Here. There still is magic, Spence. There still is magic," she repeated resolutely.

Spencer kept her face buried in Ashley's shoulder, unsure of what to respond. She felt her emotions fight for dominance inside her. She couldn't help but wonder which one would win out.

Suddenly Ashley sat up in bed knocking Spencer off of her. She brought her knees up to her chest and dropped her head onto them. Her usual defensive position.

"I know that I'm the strong one. And I know that I'm the one who left, that I'm the one who started all of this. But it's killing me too, Spence. Every second without you feels like it's being seared into my body as a memory of what I lost. I told you my life was split into two times. I meant that. And this time after, it destroys me as much as it destroys you. I guess I just hide it better. I've always hidden my emotions better."

Spencer slowly sat up next to Ashley taking in the girl's defeated posture. She wrapped her arms around the older girl and held her close. She softly began to hum, a moment reminiscent of when they were together and Ashley would awaken from horrible nightmares of being alone only to be held by a loving Spencer humming a lullaby.

For a moment Ashley seemed to melt into her embrace but then she stiffened and pulled away.

"Say it," she said, her eyes intense, her mouth hard.

Spencer looked away as her body began to shake. Was this what she had planned? Was this what she had really come here hoping to achieve?

"I don't know what you're talking about," she lied.

She felt Ashley's hand as it gently cupped her face, lifting it back up until she was again looking into those endless eyes. "Say it," she repeated quietly.

Spencer tried to swallow the lump that had taken up residence in her throat. She cleared her throat and tried again, "I don't…I don't…" she stuttered.

By this time Ashley had once again taken Spencer's hand into her own. She had it open and was lightly running her fingertips across the palm and down the other girl's fingers.

"Have I ever told you how much I love your hands?" she asked quietly.

Spencer just shook her head, grateful for the reprieve.

"Well, I love your hands," Ashley continued, "because they remind me of your personality. On first appearance, even with just the occasional caress, they come of just delicate. Smooth, sweet, gentle. And they are. You are. But take it from someone who has spent the best times of her life holding onto this hand -- they are strong. There's this surprising strength in them. Don't belittle that strength."

With that Ashley clasped Spencer hand in both of her own. The brown eyes once again met blue. "Say it," Ashley whispered.

_Spencer chases after Ashley angrily. The wind causes the sand on the beach to whip around her face and she almost loses the girl in the darkness before finally catching up with her._

"_Why won't you just say it?" she asks whipping Ashley around to look at her in the dying light. _

"_Why do I have to?" Ashley asks just as angrily. "You already know it. It's not that I don't feel it. It's not that I haven't always felt it. I just can't say it! I just can't!"_

"_Because sometimes we have to do what scares us, Ash. Sometimes we need to break our own walls down. Sometimes we have to give more than what we think we can." _

"_They're just words, Spence. Words that are said far too often. Words that are used and abused. And I won't be like that! I won't be like everyone else in my life," Ashley cries out close to tears._

_Spencer grabs her shoulders and practically shakes her. "Say it! Say it and dare to mean it. Say it and trust me to keep it sacred. To keep it safe. Say it. Say it."_

"I love you."

"_I love you."_

Ashley grinned. "See? Now that wasn't so hard was it?"

Spencer had to admit that she felt lighter. She felt free of a burden that had been sitting on her chest for a long time. She felt the darkness that still lingered at the edge of her vision slowly clearing away.

"I love you too," Ashley said, looking as though she's about to break out into song and dance.

"It doesn't make everything better again, Ash. I'm still broken. I'm still hurting. I'm only starting to get better."

Ashley looked back at her, shocked. "I know that, Spencer. But when that happens. I'm still going to be here. I'm still going to love you. And I'm still going to want you. While I still think I'm less than you deserve I've grown up enough to realize, we need each other. We are soul mates and without you I'm just lonely jelly without any peanut butter to make the perfect sandwich."

Her analogy elicited the grin Spencer knew she was aiming for. "We'd still be lacking bread," she couldn't help but point out.

"Well now you're just getting kinky on me, Miss Carlin," Ashley responded, managing to pull off a pretty good look of innocence. Her expression then softened as she leaned in close.

"Say it again, Spence. Say it if you mean it. Say it if you want us to work this out, if you want me to always be with you, to always love you."

"I love you," Spencer whispered closing the space between them.

This time the kiss was soft and sweet. It was another first. Another new beginning. It was full of promise and love, both familiar and unknown.

_Spencer leans back into Ashley's arms as they watch the fireworks explode around them. She feels safe and happy. She feels home. "Do you think it will always be like this? You and me?" she asks the girl holding her._

_Ashley hums happily in her ear and gives her lobe a gentle kiss. "And all other people?" _

_Spencer giggles and slaps the bare leg next to her, "I'm being serious."_

_Ashley sighs but takes a moment to reflect. "I don't think I can say that it will always be like this. But together is how we will always end up. That I'm sure of. Because you're home to me, Spence. You are the home I never had. And wherever you are, that's where I should be."_

_Spencer kisses the arms that tighten around her, "So what you're saying is that no matter what happens, we'll always find our way back to each other? Destiny?"_

"_Yeah, Spence. That's what I'm saying."_

"_I like that."_

"_Me too, baby. Me too."_

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